October is domestic violence awareness month and I want to talk about this topic. Some of you may know and some may not, I am a DV survivor. When I first reached out for mental health I thought I was crazy earlier this year. I was 100% sure the issue was within me and I had only caused this. A professional let me know otherwise that in fact I had been manipulated into doing a plethora of things I never truly wanted to.
The coolest thing about manipulation is that it is a slow and steady science, we all know I love science and analyzing things. Once I was removed from the situation I realize just how the manipulation took hold of my life. I wound up spending in ways I never imagined, I wound up drinking excessively which I barely have ever drank. I noticed patterns that formed throughout this “new life” I thought I had, so much was promised but very rarely delivered. I started noticing things going south when my panic attacks came back. I learned what walking on eggshells meant. I learned what gaslighting was. I learned about financial and physical manipulation of my property meant.
Most important though from that whole shipwreck of an experience how to advocate for myself.
I need you to pay attention to the next words yo read.
If you think you are the issue when it comes to domestic violence you are not as the survivor. I used to say why didn’t I see it when it was happening even with friends telling me I was being abused. I covered for my abuser and made excuses about how I caused those things to happen. This is how the manipulation takes hold of you mentally. I noticed slowly over time my worth had become devalued even though I loved the Mia I was becoming. I went off of estrogen which a lot of people do not know, I stopped getting hair removal. I was extremely depressed and planned excessively how I could end my life.
Then that moment happened. I still laugh at that moment to this day because within 15 minutes every small item I had was packed and I waited for the perfect moment to leave. Full of anxiety and fear with a constant thought of anger toward myself that I had let this happen I scurried away to never give exact locations of my whereabouts again. My exact location is still anonymous, I do not have a registered address but a “safe address” that ensures any mail I get is routed through a secure facility and then is safely provided to me.
Every survivor has this moment, this insane rush of run right now and don’t look back kind of thing. You exert so much energy in getting away that you often have no place to go. This was me. I had lived on my own my entire adult life and somehow through this slow and steady force of manipulation I no longer had my own place or my own space. It was strategic af, so congrats you took control without me ever realizing it until it was too late, ya smart, good for you.
With all of this being said the most common form of abuse is through emotional manipulation. In my case I still suffer at moments with trusting deeply of others and I question the motives constantly of those around. I notice at moments I panic when I see something that reminds me of this time in my life.
If you are not physically or emotionally safe I need you to call your local police station and order a pizza for yourself. If you cannot do that and see this, please message me. I will do everything in my power to get you to safety.
Domestic violence while commonly assumed to be physical is not always the case. The mental scar that is left within you and makes you question yourself at the strangest of times is very valid. Psychology has proved the two traumas while different still yield the same PTSD diagnosis, this kind of trauma is also considered “complex” as it has layers to uncovering.
One way that has helped me is realizing I was never in control and pictures and witnesses confirm that.
When you are abused it is not your fault sweetie and it never will be. If you are a survivor like me say ‘I” in the comments and share your story if you would like.
Today I am here and tomorrow I will be as well knowing I have my back and I can pick up on these red flags now. Today I smile because I’m one of the lucky ones to be here and tell my story.
I ask kindly that you do not ask for specifics as I wil not provide those.
I love you pals!
in order to prevent triggering of PTSD for others I omitted the details about the abuse and offered a generalized insight into my story